I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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