He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
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