Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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