I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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