I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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