remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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