No stitches, just platelets and will power
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I think your dad took our porno
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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