you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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