I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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