From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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