My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
