my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
