if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
