can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
