My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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