made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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