He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
