I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize