Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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