why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
