Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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