Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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