You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
