he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
