Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
