i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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