How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
