In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
