You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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