Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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