Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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