Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
