If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
