i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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