You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
