i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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