My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Randomize
