Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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