you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
