I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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