there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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