My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
