The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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