Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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