I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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