I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
