The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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