I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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