he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
