12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
