he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
