I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
