I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
