i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize