Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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