no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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