I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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