it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
