i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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