should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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