Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
