why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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