Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
